Last Words

There are boys I call “Baby”
Whom I have dinner with
Who hold my hands when they’re free
Who love the game I invented

But there’s only one
Whose door I’ll knock
When I’m tired and wounded
To whom I said, “I’m home.”

-A

***

An unspoken eulogy for William A Fall. The love of my life.

Like a warm big hug in winter day, you’ve saved and warmed me. You gave me the love I never thought I deserved. You found me. You kept me close. Even when it was impossible.

It’s an honor to know you. And honestly I don’t know how to let go. I want to keep you like a kite, flying high but it’s always around. Even if one day I open my hand and let it fly free, I hope it’ll still fly free around me.

It’s hard, but I will set you free, Will. Thank you for the memories that I can hold forever. There’s no one like you. Thank you for choosing me. I wish our story didn’t have a countdown. I wish it never reached zero. I wish..

One day I may find a man and invite him to my life. The way I invited you. But I will always love you. And you will always be remembered.

– H

***

I wish I could draw and send my love to you. Hang it on your wall in your room. As a proof of my existence, our existence. I hope it’s strong enough to help you going through anything.

It may seem like I’m moving on. I have life, even if it’s half of a whole. But you have to know, I pray that our path will cross again someday. Like a final answer of all the questions we have right now. I hope someday, I finally get what it’s all about.

Until then, Sven. I keep my love for you.

-M

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In Between

Amazed by some people who still remember their first love! I barely remember my first boyfriend, let alone my first crush.. Honestly though, what did I know about love at such a young age? Even now I still don’t quite get it. If I did have one (first love), how can I forget something that once really was important to me? Maybe when we were young, simple things such as holding hands could make us fall in love. And now, the fact that those simple things don’t matter anymore makes us forget our first love. Like it doesn’t matter anymore.

Now.. think about it this way. Important things that matter to us now, probably won’t matter anymore in, let’s say, five or ten years. Just like our first love to us right now.

Scary? Or such a relieve? I don’t know. I heard that make peace with your past is the key to move on. What if I don’t want to move on?

I’m sitting here in my white painted room, looking at the picture of six of us on my computer screen. We’re looked so happy! Those smiles.. Then I remember how things changed in a blink of an eye. Just like that. Six of us became one of me.

Sven sent me an email yesterday, saying that he’s going for a therapy. He really needs one. I do hope things get better for him.. Even if it means I have to let go of him. Even if it means the only thing I have left are memories…

***

The thing about memories, you never knew you were making ones
By the moment it’s happening you just let it be
Until at one point you’re gonna look back and realize
How different it is now compared to how it was

We can keep doing it, repeat it, if we want
But the feelings wouldn’t be the same
We just have to embrace the fact
That we’re simply not the same person we used to be

Those who stay are the ones worth fighting for
Life only has one beginning and one end we have no control for it whatsoever
The rest is just in between
And thank God, I had a chance to know you in my in between

(To Sven Rivers. Banana Cheese!)

-M

Stop The Speed

“When life takes its own course
Sometimes we just don’t get to choose
I’d rather be there next to you
Promise you’ll wait for me, wait for me
Wait ’til I’m home”
-Already Home, A Great Big World

I’m packing my bag.. I have my ticket. I’m going to see you, Will. I’m going now. I’m going home to you.

This time please wait for me.. Stop the speed!

***

Months ago
There were you and me against the world
Though we messed up the time
Everytime you sent me good morning message at noon

Months ago
You were my one way ticket
You promised to take me to paradise, there beside you
You said I was your queen, I knew you’re my future

Stop the speed I’m begging you
The night is falling, my world is crumbling
It’s a second before you’re gone
When you said your life is awesome

My tears will never dry
Pretend that everything’s fine when screaming inside
My friends told me I’m strong
They don’t know I have nothing left

Stop the speed I’m begging you
I have no dream, the wound won’t heal
Will time stop after you’re gone?
Like your name’s standing still written on a stone

-H

The Dream That Is Bigger

I got a job offering.. In the country where my mom lives now. Which is surprising because I applied months ago and I thought I had no chance at all! They sent me an email and we had a couple of video call.

Long story short, I’m going.. Well, still waiting for my visa and all that administration matter but yeah I’m most certainly going! I haven’t told Oliver about it. He has a lot on his plate already and I don’t want to make it even harder for him.

I know I told Oliver that I’d stay, whatever it means. I really do want to… But I can’t live with the fact that I turned down my dream job in my dream country, for him. I’ll hate him for that and I can see that someday it’ll be the one thing that ruin us.

So I’m going…. because my dream is bigger. Apparently it is. Anyway, I should’ve known that I’m only good at one thing. Run. I don’t know if it means that I’m running from Oliver too. It hurts me to imagine if my decision would ruin our relationship.

***

We have walked
As far as we get
We have run
As fast as we can

Now here we are standing both in pain
Too tired to start it all over again
Realizing our path has been split in two
I’ll miss the time when my silence was too loud for you

Not easy saying those words I have in mind
Knowing that it could be the end of what we have
I love you enough not to call you mine
Give no time to think of what we could have

My life is a brokenheart parade
Never more than a lonely barricade
No one will ever break the chain
As for me, I will never change

-A

I Want To Love You The Way You Need It

When someone you love is getting hurt, the feeling you have is worse than when it was you who is hurt.. Even worse if you couldn’t be there for them. Sven has been completely silent for days, so I wasn’t expecting to get one missed call from him earlier today.

I was having a family gathering for my cousin who’s getting married and left my phone on my desk at my room. About two hours later I checked on my phone and got stunned. Honestly? I was afraid that something bad happen to him and someone had to call from his phone to tell me about it. I guess I’m having a trauma unconciously..

So I made a video call from my computer to his Skype account. He answered. I saw that he was inside his car, not sure if he was driving but when I asked if I need to call him back later, he said no. So we talked… Turned out that he was about to go to work today, first time since the accident. But he couldn’t move his hands or legs to drive his own car. Since two hours ago when the first time he called me. Two hours!

He was sweating and crying. “A mess,” I thought to myself.. He has warned me that he is a mess. Strange that I couldn’t careless. I want to be there with him! All I knew was Sven called me for a reason. He called for help. And I was the one he chose to help him. It means he want me to be there too… Right?

I tried to calm him down and it seemed to work. Because the next time he called me, he already went back to his apartment.. Well, he decided to take another day-off from work, but I got him out of the car alive! That’s all that matters… That’s all that matters…

That’s one thing that should’ve happened that night. To get everyone out of the car alive…. I wish.

***

I can see tears in your eyes
Where the lights have disappeared
Do you wish I were there?
Will you let me be there?

I know it’s hard to love
When everywhere you turn is a mistake
Please let me pray to God
For you not to blame yourself

I want to love you
The way you need me to
I know you want me to wait
Just don’t ask me to let go

-M

HELP!

I NEED YOU WIIIILLLL!!!! :”'(((( HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***

I can’t remember how it feels like to be happy
The feeling I once knew now left behind and cold
Love was a reason and a destiny
For now useless with nothing to hold

I was born out of sin and seem forever will be
Grown among promises that will never be
Dying is not a nightmare but an easy dare
Hanging to a frozen hope with no one to share

Nothing’s in front, no one will wait
All the screaming I did for a help I’ll never get
I’ve had enough bleeding severely
With unwritten suicide note next to me

-H

What Makes You Cry

Two days ago I got a phone call from Oliver. I was so happy that he finally called after ignoring all of my texts.. But then I wasn’t happy anymore. Not even slightly. For the first time, I saw him crying. He also told me everything.. Here’s what I heard from him.

That night, Sven asked both Oliver and Will to go on a racing car with him, to celebrate his birthday. Oliver remembered they were so excited to welcome the day, because they had not got any chance to have some fun lately regarding their new jobs. Oliver said, that was quite a freezing night, he was thinking it was not a good night to run the car, but they got caught up on the excitement.

Later that night, they decided to pop out a bottle of wine which is Sven’s birthday gift. He swore they didn’t have much to get themselves drunk. Everything went so fast until the time he was sitting beside the racing area when Will’s car suddenly crashed. He was racing with Sven on the shotgun. Oliver was in shocked but he knew he had to get them out of the car soon. He dragged Will out and some people help him to help Sven.

Oliver said, he hugged Will really tight but he knew somehow that Will was leaving. He had no idea that he would lose his brother that night. The wost part is that he keeps blaming himself for that, he puts the blame on Sven too.

I know it isn’t fair for anybody! Last thing that he told me was that he’s setting me free.. In a way I knew he’d say that. It won’t be fair to Will and my friend… I get it really. But I’m afraid if I set him free, he’d fall… I don’t want bad things to happen to him. I don’t care what he wants. I told him that I want to stay. I told him that I love him. And we both cried..

The next morning I texted him to know how was he. It seems like everything’s back to normal, while I know it isn’t.. Oliver moved in with his uncle because he need more private time and being around his parents is not gonna do any better to him, he said. I know he feels like they’re blaming him for some reason. And no words I can give to him that can make him feel better…

What I’m doing now is being here (or there).. Anywhere for him. To listen, to help, to support, to care…. To stay.

***

You told me we’re over last night
My favorite kind of sunset turns into midnight
You said i’m still your moonlight daydream
But things crashed as complicated as they seem

I told you to hold on
And see what tomorrow brings
Your smile, your touch, your silly thoughts
Next to you I’ve seen heaven and sin

So tell me baby what makes you cry
Don’t say I’m the reason why
Because we’ve been on and off million times
Hoping our love will survive miles

-A

A Mess

Since the day I got the bad news, Sven has been on and off. He told me nothing about what happened that night. Some days he just disappeared with no news at all. Got me worried that he did something stupid. I’m trying so hard to give him space that he needs. Which I can tell that he needs it badly! But I really want to let him know that I’m here for him if he needs anything.

I understand that sometimes when we’re having a hard time dealing with horrible things, all that we want is to be left alone. So we can have ourselves to be a mess and don’t have to be afraid that anyone sees it.

Sven said that he’s a mess. He’s messed up by any definition. I’ve never seen him like this… Never thought I’d ever see him like this. I just wish that he would let me help him picking up the pieces. I love him. I do. But he’s too fragile right now and I know I can’t hold him too tight.

I must be selfish if I said that I miss the old Sven. The one with sense of humor. He’s now facing one of his biggest fear.. I wish I knew how to make it better for him. I wish he told me how… I wish I were there…. right beside him.

***

You said you’re a mess
You told me to stay away
I can never fix you
But I’ll never stop trying

You’re here and there
Got me fall in love and hit the ground
You left me with no words
You came back, I understand

It’s a roller coaster of memory
Should I quit and finish our story Hard to be in your darkest night
We don’t even share the same moonlight

-M

Gone

Many times I forget to blink. That’s when my eyes got really dry… It’s good. Because they’ve been wet for a long time.

***

Forty eight hours
I’ve been turning memories into ashes
Drown by tears and some silly text messages

Forty eight hours
Calling your name like it’s a spell
Bring back my life to the place I know well

Forty eight hours
You’re gone
Just like the ring at 12pm on my telephone

-H

Reversed Cinderella Story

Once upon a time, there was an ordinary girl who met the Prince Charming of her dream. They thought they’re having a happily ever after kind of life by finding each other. They danced through sleepless nights and sang their favorite songs with rainbows and butterflies. But then, life happened.. Just like the bell ringing at midnight.

That girl is me. Unfortunately.

I just had the longest and probably so far the hardest night of my life . It started when I had an email from Oliver’s younger sister. It was sent two nights ago but I just read it yesterday because my inbox is as messed up as my life and my phone is just simply too old to get notifications on time. Which I regret deeply that I didn’t read it as soon as I got the email..

Bad thing happened. The worst of all things we could imagine. By we, I mean my two friends and I. So there we spent the night at one of my friends’ house since her parents are out of town. And we had the most horrible break down moment of all time..

Especially my friend who just lost her, I can say, fiancĂ©. IT SUCKS SO BAD!!! I’m devastated, furious, angry….. speechless. I can’t even say the complete sentence properly when my friend (the one who’s engaged to Will) asked me what was going on when I asked her to meet at my other friend’s house.

The whole night we tried to figure out what’s the point of all these.. Our relationships with the guys, our summer holiday together, our loves. FOR WHAT? If it’s gonna end up like this.

Worse part is that I still can’t reach Oliver, my friend also can’t reach Sven so we don’t really know how are they and we can’t do anything about it. We can’t be there for them. We don’t know what to do. IT SUCKS!!!!!!

Why bad things always happen to me? All this time I thought Oliver was the present that God has sent me because I’ve been dealing with a lot of crap in my entire life.. I’ve always been strong, I’ve always survived. Maybe that’s why it gets harder.

Now I don’t know if Oliver still want to have anything to do with me. Will was the reason that Oliver and I are together now. I see why this is UNFAIR if we’re still in a relationship while Will and my friend don’t even have a choice…

I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I’m affraid to stay, but too tired to run. Maybe it’s my karma.. What am I supposed to do?

***

I’m always be the one who asks
“Are you ok?”
The one who says
“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be ok.”

I survive
I always do
Even if I don’t
I always find a way how to

The strong one gets the hardest
It’s not a game to get even
I thought happiness can be endless
I’m still waiting for my present

-A